My Story.

We all have a story.  We all have a past that has brought us to this moment in life. Things have happened for us, good and bad, some controllable and others pure coincidence of situation.   I’ve always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  I can look back over my life and follow the path of memories that paved the way for this website.  Not all my choices were good ones, many were terrible in retrospect, but they were exactly what I wanted or thought was best at the time. And admittedly there were plenty that I knew were probably a mistake, but I went forward with them anyway.  Over all, I don’t really regret any of my choices as they have each been a building block to who I am today. 

I married my high school sweetheart. He asked me to marry him on New Year’s Eve at midnight as the year changed from 1997 to 1998, I had just turned 18 a few weeks before. We were seniors in high school and found out a few weeks later that I was pregnant. While we had planned to get married, the fact that I was pregnant gave the situation a sense of urgency. It was important to his grandmother that we were married before our son was born.  While I was been okay to wait until we were ready, we rushed into it for her sake.  I was young, and I loved this woman, I was more worried about disappointing her than what I thought was best for me.  

My family was against the marriage.  My dad offered to buy me a brand new car if I didn’t get married.  He hated my husband; he saw in him what I didn’t, saw the things I was too blinded by love to accept. His mother even told me the day before we got married that I didn’t have to go through with it, that she loved me and they had already accepted me into the family, but felt that I would regret the decision to marry him.  You would think that, coming from his mother, would have been a red flag. 

Fast forward through 10 years of marriage with a man that spent a lot of time unemployed, being lazy and generally not contributing to the household.  His computer and computer games were more important than his relationship with his kids and wife.  He slept most days and was up all night. I spent a lot of time and effort covering for him as to why he wasn’t at family functions, holiday gatherings, etc.  I could write all day about the details of it all, but I don’t have the time to write a book. 

We separated in December of 2006 after he found out that I was having an affair.  I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t perfect, and honestly I was miserable, and wasn’t getting anything I needed or wanted from our relationship. It was wrong, and I do regret that I hurt him the way I did.  

At the time we separated we had 2 children.  I was briefly unemployed and couldn’t support the kids so he moved out, took them with him to live at his mother’s house across town. Shortly after, I got a job, enrolled in school, and moved out of the house we had shared and in with my grandmother to get back on my feet.  During that time he was very adamant that he wanted to be custodial parent, and felt that it would be best for our boys to live with their father. Until October of 2007 that is, when he decided he couldn’t take care of them anymore. I, of course, without hesitation and with much enthusiasm brought my kids home to live with me again.  

And that is really the beginning of my child support story.

Even though we separated at the end of 2006, our divorce was not finalized until April 2009, largely because neither of us had money for attorneys. During that time there was no child support order. In our state child support is calculated based on the income of the mother and father, as well as the number of days the children are with each parent.  We were able to amicably agree on a shared parenting plan as to when we got the children for holidays, vacations, etc., but I still had them 80% of the year.  The day our divorce was finalized, he didn’t show up to court.  He was supposed to bring all his financial information so a fair child support amount could be set. Because he didn’t show up the judge awarded me support based on the “median income” of the state as there was no way of knowing how much he was making.  For 2 kids that was $980 a month.  Also, because he didn’t show up for court and I had no information on where he was working a wage assignment for this support could not be issued.  Meaning, the state couldn’t draft the support directly from his paycheck, I had to wait for him to send it.  I knew that wasn’t going to work, but I couldn’t afford another attorney to get a wage assignment after the fact, and it took me several weeks to find out where he was working. 

So he started accruing arrears as soon as the payments were scheduled to start because it was several months before he made a payment.  I have no problem admitting that $980 a month was more than I knew he could afford, nor did I expect him to pay that much. I wasn’t looking to make bank here; I just wanted help raising our kids. But he chose not to show up in court to provide the information to make sure he was assessed fair payments.  Eventually, after a few months of digging himself further into the child support hole, he asked for an audit to have the amount lowered. No problem, I was more than happy to accommodate that; I knew he would be more likely to pay if he had an amount that was reasonable.  The child support office evaluated our case based on our incomes and time spent with the kids and determined that $412 a month, plus $50 to go toward arrears reasonable.  We both agreed. 

He paid okay for a few months.  Then the payments stopped, or would come sporadically.  I called the child support office several times to alert them, they would set a court date and without fail he would make a few more payments after getting notice of the court case and they would cancel the court date because they took that to mean he was going to start paying again. This happened on several occasions.   Essentially, he had learned to work the system to his benefit. 

He did really well through most of 2011, paid every month for nearly a year.  However, in July 2012 the payments stopped and I haven’t seen anything since.  I recently called the child support office to get a total on his arrears, not only did they tell me he was $13,000 behind but they set another court date for May 2013.  And there is where it gets really fun. 

Much to my surprise, he showed up for our court date. While we didn’t see a judge we did have to appear in front of the state attorney.  She set another court date for 6 weeks later and VERY bluntly told him that he had to begin making payments, and show that he was actively seeking another job so he can pay his obligations.  She also asked him for his currently employer and sent a request to them for a wage assignment. (What felt like at the time, a huge victory.) The state attorney made it clear to him that if he didn’t start paying before the next court date, he will be held in contempt of court and will be jailed for 10 days for every payment he has missed; roughly about 6—8 months. 

Fast forward a few weeks to where I am currently…

I still haven’t received a payment. Not that I’m surprised really. But when I called the child support office to find out why I haven’t received a payment yet, I was told because his employer returned the wage assignment stating he doesn’t work there anymore, so therefore cannot collect anything from him. 

So here’s what I think is happening…  

I know he has a close relationship with his employer, I believe they have taken him off the payroll records and are paying him under the table because they think it will help him out.  They don’t see that it will only hurt him in the end when he’s sitting in jail.  I’m in the process of trying to verify that.  If I find that out to be the case, I will make a BIG nasty stink about it. 

Court is next Monday.  I don’t think he’ll show, as he has avoidance issues. And I doubt he wants to leave the court in handcuffs.